OGs and new readers, hellLLOo! Writing this newsletter is my yescessary – one of the things I say yes to that fulfills my purpose and helps me feel like I’m honouring my best self.
Thanks for inviting me into your already busy day. I promise I won’t take up too much of your time.
This is me lately:
- Hunting for a grade six grad dress. We don’t use the “h” word in our house, but it was used here. HATED.
- Cuddling a lamb. After we hit it and quit it, I wet-wiped my jacket. Lamb juice.
- Meeting Ben Johnson. He’s a beautiful human. I’m two eps into Hate the Player on Paramount +, a hilarious take on Ben’s version of events.
- Going to my friend Dave Mewa’s feature film debut. He did it!
- Wearing this scarf backwards (oops) and low-key loving it.
- Closing financing. Formally pitching. Finalizing decks. Giving gentle feedback on submissions. Working the co-pros. Sharing on panels. Doing da woooorkk.
- Levelling up my K/A beauty routine (Korean/African) thanks to my tween. Double serum. Always ask a kid. But listen sparingly. Her good night phrase is, “Peace out, suckers.”
Thanking my dear sister, Karina, because our convo was the inspo for this post. She’s allllllll the things, including thoughtful and compassionate - heck of a high vibration combo.
Not going to give too many details, but I was recently asked to pro bono participate in something. I was flattered and curious (LEO…). When the virtual meeting FINALLY happened, I couldn’t figure out what was off from the get. It was pleasant and positive, but it didn’t feel right or aligned.
It was only after chatting with my sis that I could put a finger on it.
I talk to my sis, Karina, on weekends and on my drives. She’s always in the car with me. The time difference between Toronto and Berlin is a challenge, so hands-free highway is when we Griffith gals get our gab on.
No idea how we got here, but K started to talk about how she met a community worker years ago who cautioned against asking questions that start with “why.” It stuck with her so much that she changed how she engages with people.
The reasoning is that why questions put the other person on the defensive.
Why did you move back home?
Why did you break up?
Why did you decide to hire him?
Why are you upset?
Why do you write a newsletter?
Back. UP. Shoulders. UP.
Do you hear it?
Why aren’t you hearing it?
Do you hear slight othering? Accusation? More importantly do you feel it?
Asking a why question can force the other person into defence mode. They need to justify “why.” Justify? That’s heavy, right?
Another way of describing it (and this is how I process it) - asking why separates.
When K and I dipped into deconstructing why asking why doesn’t help, I could feel my backbone link and erect. I sat up – straighter.
Earned knowledge gives me better posture y’all.
It made so many things make sense that I started talking too quickly and too loudly. As a sis chat should be.
That was why it felt off. It was the why.
When I met with the folks (who reached out to me and asked me to meet with me), I found it odd that they started with “Why do you want to work with us?” First question.
But they had reached out to me. Other way around, no? It’s what caused the disconnect. Why put me on the defensive from the jump.
Please know, I can handle a why with grace (not my first why rodeo) and I answered thoughtfully. But it also made me lob a why back. Why do you want me to participate?
If I was boomeranging in the first convo, I could see where this was going.
A week later, I politely declined.
There are plenty of other ways to ask insightful, gently revealing questions that don’t have the same charge as why.
“What motivated you to speak with us about this opportunity?”
“What role do you envision with us?”
“What spurred your interest in us?”
“How would you like to contribute if you were to join?”
Gentle. Light. Soft. More specific.
And it’s not the delivery! I find that no matter how gently I ask a why, I can feel the other person’s energy change slightly; I can feel their internal cogs turn. They step lightly with their words because they feel ever so slightly challenged.
It’s slight, but it matters.
I don’t find the other interrogatives WhoWhatWhereWhen cause an immediate chasm. They feel gently and genuinely inquisitive. Equalizing. They don’t hit hard.
They sound like, “Tell me more. I’m interested in your perspective.” They don’t challenge reasoning.
This lightbulb moment hasn’t dimmed for me. I’ve been on a “why” detox for the last two months.
MY PITCH DECKS.
I opened up about my process with creators last post. Check it out here!
For my folks outside the media industry, a series pitch deck is a proposal doc to convince broadcasters/streamers/distributors/production partners + to invest. It explains the concept, the themes, the characters, the potential rundown of an episode.
We often answer – “Why this show?” “Why now?” in a pitch deck. Why put your money here and not on the other twenty shows up for development dollars?
I’ve ditched why now. See ya. Too broad.
I’m using stronger, more specific questions that still underline the series’ timeliness and value.
What audience does this series serve?
What stats support a need for a show like this?
What is happening in society now that proves there is an appetite for a show like this?
It’s not “why” we development producers need to answer - it’s “who.”
My work is always about the end user, the audience. In this crowded content cornucopia, it’s about capturing attention.
WHEN I'M MIFFED.
I’m working on steering myself away from why spirals:
“Why did they DO that?”
“Why did they SAY that?”
“Why DIDN’T they include me?”
“Why is this random kid pointing a fake gun at me?”
Aren’t family photos riddled with whys?
EVERY CONVO – ESPECIALLY WITH MY KIDS.
I’m working diligently to choose my words.
“Why is this popsicle wrapper on your desk?” → "Where does this popsicle wrapper belong?”
“Why are you yelling?” → "How about we lower our voice a bit?”
“Why didn’t you start this assignment two days ago!?” → ___________________. (I let that one stand.)
That’s when we started to build a WW1 costume at 6:45pm on Sunday for Monday’s class. 6:45pm on Sunday??????
Replacing why helps dial down the tension points. Them kids got energy. I don’t.
Always aiming to be a no drama mama.
WHEN I RECEIVE A WHY QUESTION.
K does this and I’ve adopted. If anyone asks me a question that starts with why, I pause, think and delicately reframe their question.
“I believe you’re asking me what encouraged me to…”
BAM.
It’s an exercise that I’m not getting tired of. And it’s not a deflection. I’m noticing the remix gets us closer to the answer they’re (we’re) looking for.
Even though I’m loving my why I’m not asking why exploration, here is where I draw the why line – my kids. I won’t dare quell the whys in them.
My kids ask why all the time (even the too cool teen). Kid whys come from a place of trying to understand the world and that’s totally brill.
I won’t censor, reword or reframe my kids. Gosh no. Honestly, I’m so happy they’re still trusting me with their questions.
Now, if it’s said out of crank-a-tank anger, then maybe I delicately reframe. But honest enquiries about law, history, society, injustice, science (we’re building the sun for an assignment right now), totally encouraged.
I’ve noticed that not asking why in my adult convos has brought me (and the person I’m talking to) closer to the answer I’m seeking. It’s also unexpectedly brought me closer to people. We get to a warmer, more intimate, protected space.
One of my tenets as a producer is:
Not asking why has helped me uphold and is proving to be a good practice for me.
That’s the latest. Thought you’d find it helpful!
Please do share if there is a method you’ve been using to soften your language. I’m soooo curious!
I was recently in Dublin, Ireland. I enjoyed it so much, I thought I’d share what I saw. I had one free day to myself after the animation fest, and I hit that city haaaaard.
Here are my top love ups and what I tend to do when I’m exploring away from home. Not in priority order because that would be cruel.
You’re wearing comfortable shoes, right? I keep a fast pace! Let’s GO!
I love big brekkies and I cannot lie.
Tang did not disappoint. Cortado with oat milk. Hell ya. Fresh OJ? IV that stuff into me. This chili avocado business with egg? Yep. My hat. Thumbs up start.
I poke around a local bookstore.
I had no agenda and landed here, enveloped by four floors of pristine peace. Bought this book on fairies and folklore.
I have a vision of us sitting around a campfire, the kids rapt as I read this out loud. Right after a day of folding Origami and painting watercolours in a field.
As if. Where do I come up with these delusions?
I hunt for craft.
Avoca. Imagine walking and touching everything in this store and singing (out loud!) all the lyrics to Hall & Oates “I Can’t Go for That.”
That was me. Almost bought these jammies but went for da socks.
I drink whatever is local.
The rumours are true. Guinness does taste different – lighter, silkier. Still dark & lovely.
I talk to animals.
This is St. Stephen’s Green. This swan and I got ON.
I learn outside of museums.
The cables in Irish Aran sweaters have a message! Mind. Blown.
I enjoy dining alone.
I’m talked out after conferences, so I fill my mouth with food. This seafood was smoochy-worthy.
I hunt for other cultures.
Unreal Asian grocery. Wicked good Indian desserts. Dublin is surprisingly ethnically diverse.
Hope to head back as I didn’t get a drip of Book of Kells, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Molly Malone history in me.
I certainly loved how friendly everyone was. They say “sorry” the way we Canucks do. Charming.
See you soon, Dubs!
Thanks for taking a beat to hang! I hope that every space you enter this week is welcoming and wonderfully kind.
If you enjoyed this read, please forward to a friend! I appreciate your support deeply.
Have a beautiful rest of day and chau for now!
|
|
Hello! It's me, AG.
Hi! I'm Andrea Griffith (a.k.a. AG), a TV exec, writer, speaker, eye roll-inducing proud mama.
Yescessary is the love child of yes and necessary - the word I use to describe my personal philosophy of living with my purpose and my priorities in the pole position. Let’s add passions. So many p’s!
This newsletter is where I share funny moments, helpful strategies and everything I'm learning as I build a meaning-full, content life.
FOLLOW ALL THINGS YESCESSARY IN MY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS.
|
